A while ago I uploaded some pictures that I had taken in a photoshoot. They were mostly ignored until my wonderful girlfriend reblogged this . I received so many kind words and great comments that I could never thank you enough, so I thought I would upload a couple more with a bit of an explanation.
I have struggled with anorexia, and I can finally say that it is anorexia, for a couple of years now. Still I can’t go to the gym, or shopping, or even eat a meal without negative thoughts and behavioural patterns activating. It took me years to come to terms with it and go into counselling and it is hard to talk about now. I want to go into an industry where even the rehearsal rooms are full of mirrors. Where you are judged by your looks before you even open your mouth. This is incredibly tough and I forever feel pressured to loose weight, tone up and look better to comply with public and agent demand. And due to coeliac disease (gluten intolerance) and a vegetarian diet a lot of my life is centered around food and labelling. It is easy to feel trapped.
So I posted some pictures that I had done for work, hoping they might receive a few nice words to boost my confidence. When I received nothing my over whelming feeling was a lack of surprise. Because the thing is, there are more to these pictures than meet the eye. Someone commented about how it changed their view, as previously they would have assumed me a confident person who had everyone falling at my feet to compliment me. This has never happened. The fact that I received this comment amazed me! I have been the person at the back of the class who is mocked and degraded and laughed at. Who people have dared others to talk to me and spat at me in the street. For me to post these pictures was a chance at an unbiased view, and yet my own illness told me to expect nothing. My own mind said that I was not good enough. And this is the same for many men and women, of all shapes and sizes, who look to the Internet as a safe space and who look at themselves as unworthy. At first these views were met.
And then something amazing happened. Someone who loves me decided to to one of the kindest things I have ever known. She posted these pictures with comments (in the link above) and suddenly I was overwhelmed. I was shocked, my illness was for once lost for words. Of course, the voice started up again ‘It’s pity’, ‘They would like anything’ ‘You aren’t even that skinny anymore’. But I could look at those notes and I could say ‘that many people aren’t wrong, or lying or blind’. And my illness had to shut up.
I am far from better. I am in recovery and am now at the lower end of a healthy weight. And thanks to you lovely, amazing people my journey has been made a little bit easier and a little bit brighter. Don’t underestimate the power of what a simple like, reblog or comment can do, they could be the difference between a good day and a bad day for some people. As whenever I need a boost I look at that post and I feel like maybe, just maybe, I am someone worth knowing.
Thank you. A special thanks again to my wonderful, perfect girlfriend, without whom I would never have had the courage or the motivation to begin my journey. Thanks for reading.